Never Turn a Short Con Long

Meeting Times --Or How To Make People Feel Important

2009-02-26T21:08:00.000-08:00

I am trying hard to keep this from becoming a rambling list of grievances. Not easy, and I have not always succeeded; however, let me assure you, dear reader, that I am here by my own free will. I know of the pitfalls, and yet I remain. Why? Money. The lucky buggers seem to have come up with an idea that might yet succeed despite their every effort to thwart it.

I have written this one several times trying to wrestle humor from it, and yet I cannot. I accept this as my failing as I cannot help but chuckle at the situation.

Imagine if you will (I don't have to, I can recall --it was just this morning), waking to a ringing phone at 7:40. Now imagine it knowing that your alarm was set for 7:45. Is there anything worse than a call five minutes prior to your alarm going off? Well, I guess an extended stay at Guantanamo might be worse, but you get my point.

So, it is your work-at-home day and the phone rings five minutes prior to your alarm going off and it is your boss. Or, in my case, it is DC our intrepid CEO. He has come up with a new marketing plan and needs me at the office at 8:30 to go over it in detail. Now, getting from bed to work in 40 minutes can be done, but not done easily.

There I sat in the board room: hair askew, shitty coffee from the deli downstairs in hand, but otherwise in fine form. Our head engineer follows me into the room and takes his seat. We mumble sleepy greetings and I return to setting up my laptop --for some reason it does not want to connect with the company's network this early in the morning.

It is 8:35 when our project manager collapses in her seat apologizing for being late.

Do do do do do do do, do do do do do, do do do do do, do do do do do do do, do do do do do do do.

For those who don't recognize that, it is the theme from Jeopardy.

8:50: my cell phone chirps.

It is DC, our CEO, the guy who called this extraordinary meeting.

He is running late and promises to be there in 15 --he never says what units: could be hours for all I know.

I take advantage of the delay and go round the room taking orders. Next, off to McDonalds (a 5 minute walk) for breakfast for all --and less unpalatable coffee.

9:45. Everyone has finished their breakfast, deserted the boardroom and returned to their chores for the day. I decide it is time to go home and get started on my day. I text DC my plans to depart.

I meet DC coming off the elevator as I am getting on. He is not happy with my refusal to waste my morning waiting for him (remember folks, I am not on salary: I am on commission) and if he could frog-march me back to the office he would. Obediently, I followed him back.

He needs a few minutes before the meeting.

10:00. Exactly one and a half hours late, DC, who kept me from the most important 10 minutes of my day (that would be the five minutes before my alarm goes off and the five minutes after), starts the meeting.

He talks in great depth about how we are going to attack a new type of client. He talks about how we are going to tweak the solution so that this new breed of client will be left in the dust if they do not use us. He is incredibly excited. He wants me to start setting up meetings immediately. He asks the engineer and PM for a wag (wide assed guess) on how long it will take to do the tweaks, because we cannot set up any meetings til they are done.

The answer: 7-9 months.

I hear my bed calling, but the coffee has kicked in.

Arrgghh...

Was I Screwed?

2009-02-26T00:11:00.000-08:00

Let's revisit a meme from a couple of posts ago.

Here's the story:

I have been working on securing the opportunity to make presentations to two different potential clients. These multi-national corporations with local offices remain ideal lead clients for our solution. In both cases, I was introduced to high level contacts by Board of Advisor members and in both cases I have extensive email threads that include both political and technical correspondence. I have arranged for custom demos and I am on first name basis with managers that are responsible for, in aggregate, over a billion dollars worth of current business.

In one case a meeting was still a month away, but in the other case the meeting/presentation was within 10 days (until I was told to postpone it as v2 of the solution has been delayed).

Well, one of the investors is in a similar business, responsible for a couple hundred thousand dollars of business per year --good, but I am trying to put it into perspective with the clients-- and, due to the economic downturn, finds himself with lots of spare time.

The answer is simple, he should join our sales team. In fact, as he is in the same line of work as these potential lead clients, he should take over from me as the salesman on record for these deals.

This guy is a nice guy; but, these are my clients. Note, I am not an employee of the company, I am commissioned outside sales.

Basically, the company gives a lead to an outside sales guy. Then, after the outside sales guy warms up the lead, establishes a relationship, and starts to prepare a customized presentation, the company takes the lead back.

Was I taking too long? The company insisted I postpone the meeting.

Perhaps my track record is such that they want to give the leads to a better closer. Then they should bring one in. The guy they gave the leads to has not experience giving presentations to boardrooms full of executives and engineers. The guy they gave the leads to has no software experience whatsoever.

Am I ranting? You bet.

Was I screwed? Arrgghh...

Fatal but not serious

2009-02-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

We are now in desperate need of investment. Government grants are paying 50% of dev wages, but not coming close to covering our burn. Customers are showing muted interest but we are three months from potential --albeit unlikely-- revenues; the present investors are asking for such unlikely things a business plans and revenue forecasts; senior staff has not met with the Board of Advisors in over a year, and we are out of money.

Well, we better be.

Why should I make such a statement?

Because, I was just told by our intrepid COO that they will not be able to pay me what is owed on the first of the upcoming month. I will have to wait at least a week for the funds from the gov't.

But all is good. There are no problems. Nothing to worry about.

Arrgghh...

I Think Very Highly of You

2009-02-24T14:47:00.000-08:00

"I think very highly of you."

Those are the kind words DC, our intrepid CEO, tossed my way yesterday. Over the past couple of weeks he has taken the only two potential clients in the pipeline away from me (remember, I am a sales guy on commission). Nice.

That is, of course, not the whole story. As we are now almost three years into the business, and as we have had a product for sale for three months now, and as we have not sold a single subscription, fingers are starting to be pointed my direction. It is obvious that the reason we have not been wildly successful is that I have not been doing my job. That's okay, I can take it.

The answer: simple. Bring in one of the investors (who, understandably, wants to protect his investment) as a sales guy and give him all of the clients currently in the pipeline. Yippee.

Another might think they had been screwed. Another might want immediate compensation for the loss of assets (surely clients are assets in this situation). The fact is, I didn't have any of these thoughts. It might sound evil, but my first thought was, "Finally, a chance at redemption".

I fully expect the new sales guy to fail (even if he succeeds in making an initial sale, we are selling a subscription service and I fully expect a quick cancellation).

Now I might be wrong. I might have misread the whole thing. Perhaps the new sales guy will get the product out there and all will be roses. I suspect not.

The best case for me (not the company, my sympathies are not with them) would be for the investor to try, fail, then wonder what he got himself into. I would love to be a fly on the wall at his first presentation.

Was I screwed? Only if the prospects actually sign up, like the product and pay handsomely. If they do that, then the new sales guy/investor deserves the commission (though I will, of course, make a case for shared commission). If not, then I lost nothing and gained time to write this. Leaving you, dear reader, as the beneficiary.

At least he took a moment to take me aside and say, "I think very highly of you."

Arrgghh...

A Rivetting Read.

2009-01-23T12:56:00.001-08:00

Check it out:

Why start-ups fail.

No comment.

Arrgghh...

Tossed Under the Bus N

2009-01-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

I was going to call this post, "Tossed Under the Bus 1" but the "1" seems odd. There were many times prior to this and many times after.

The story:

At a networking luncheon I sat with a senior exec from a major international company (MIC) that had a local head office. It was pretty cool and I managed to interest him in both our story and also our product.

Through Mr. Keystone, from our Board of Advisors, I was able to arrange for us to visit MIC to give a seminar on our product to his staff.

It unfolds that MIC has weekly lunchtime seminars and it is common for corporations to travel across the globe for the opportunity to speak at one. It was a great opportunity.

Aside from getting the gig and arranging the date, I was to attend, but the big cheese himself, DC, was the speaker.

DC set out to put together his presentation. Now usually these things include PowerPoint presentations, live demonstrations and a rehearsed lecture.

I was actually looking forward to seeing what DC had put together.

At 10AM the morning of the event, I get a call from DC; a meeting has come up and I am to take over. "Can I get a copy of your presentation?" I ask with growing nerves.

"I don't have one, you don't need one." came the response.

GULP.

You see we are an online solution, all our demos are online. Therefore we do not need a presentation. All we (you... er... that is, I) need is an internet connection, a computer and a projector.

No Problem.

I race out of the house to get there early --I have a bad feeling about this.

I get there at 11:30 --half an hour early.

The computer is there, it is connected. The corporate home page comes up...

You see, MIC is also a military contractor and security is a major issue. There is no way our solution is coming through their firewall.

The room is filling with people, about forty so far.

12:05, I am still on the phone with their IT staff. No luck.

Well, time to start tap dancing.

I stand before an audience of 50 engineers and technologists, each one used to receiving slick lectures/presentations from those fortunate enough to be able to present at their lunch time seminars.

I got nuttin' but a suit and a smile.

I manage to explain the situation, get a few laughs and tell them our story. I think I did well enough under the circumstances but the applause was a bit weak. I can't help wonder if some of them thought we were a bush league operation.

Sometimes the truth will out.

Arrgghh...

Why am I here

2009-01-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

Good question.

I often compare it to a bad marriage: it totally sucks; it is going nowhere; but, on a day to day basis, it is hard to leave; and I don't have anywhere else to go --and it might pay off.

A Directive

2009-01-23T12:01:00.000-08:00

We need more investment, "Get your old man to invest." was the directive.

Fat chance.

Really, I was told to sell the company to my father so that he could risk some of his retirement funds on the "sure thing" that we are putting together.

Uh huh. Sure. I'll get right on that.

Perhaps this is when I should have walked away.

I was dutiful, I showed my father the demo of what we were doing and he looked at me like I was insane. I suggested that DC wanted me to ask him to invest and he suppressed a laugh. His measured response was perfect, "I am past investing in high risk ventures."

I passed on the message to the CEO and chief fundraiser (scammer), DC, to his great displeasure.

Don't worry, I would not have let it happen. Actually, I believe that, if I really believed in the integrity of the company, the competence of the management and the value of the product my family would have invested.

Oh well, to mis-quote The Kinkster, "No man was ever driven to hell by a woman without a fully paid ticket in his pocket."

Arrgghh...

Drinks with the Boss

2009-01-23T11:46:00.000-08:00

It should be noted that my boss, DC, lives with an infallible self image.

His Ferrari is part of this. His knowledge that everyone wants to be drunk is inarguable --the extension is that he honestly believes that everyone, at all times, wishes they were more drunk.

He is as gregarious as he is all knowing.

Drinks with the boss start with watching (or joining, if you are so inclined) him drink four to six double Tequilas in the first hour. This is just the start.

As bedding any willing woman is also the world view that he projects to all, drinks quickly devolve to buying drinks for anything that appears to lack an Adam's apple. Oh the humanity. Of course, this leads to slobbering on waitresses before moving on to a friendly night club.

At the club, his craving for female attention seems to increase whilst his striving for further drunkenness inevitably leads to his inability to speak.

Sound like fun?

Well as fewer and fewer people are willing to join in, the events start to become business meetings --therefore attendance is implicitly required. Joy.

Well, at least he always has a steady stream of externally beautiful women who like to hear tall tales, ride in fast cars and get free meals. I fear what will happen should he lose his ability to appear rich.

Arrgghh.

What Do You Do With an Incompetent Project Manager

2009-01-23T11:25:00.000-08:00

With DM, our Project Manager, on Maternity leave, our esteemed head of HR, NM, hired Maynard to fill in.

Now for those of you who do not know, a Project Manager is responsible for keeping projects on track. Without a good one a project is doomed to failure. Project Managers are also charged with making sure that all relevant paper work is completed and up to date: schedules, gantt charts, meeting minutes, emails, development diary, and much, much more.

Well, the problems with Maynard began on day one. A key duty of his was to take minutes at development meetings to be circulated at a later date. That morning we had a marathon meeting where the whiteboard was filled and erased many times. Some outstanding work was accomplished and I was very interested to review the minutes when they were ready...

Did I mention that Maynard's first language was not English? In fact his English skills were poor at best. The minutes were as humorous as they were useless.

As time unfolds it becomes apparent that he is doing very little of the standard paperwork.

As you can imagine, the big boss, DC, quickly became frustrated with Maynard. There was only one thing to do: he was removed from all of DC's projects.

He gave him to me.

That is right. The process is to identify an employee as incompetent then pass him on to me.

And guess who gets blamed when the project goes south?

Arrgghh...

The Share Squeeze

2009-01-12T00:43:00.001-08:00

H'okay.

This story might meander a bit; I will try to keep it lucid.

I was originally brought into the company to learn the ropes.

DC, our CEO, was working on a totally new con that purportedly was going to alter the way the internet was used. The potential was... Google-like.

But, as my S&M experience (sales and marketing, silly) was in another industry, I was brought into DC's previously failed con (that still had a few paying customers) to, as I said, learn the ropes.

Well the new con was going swimmingly and the old company was going nowhere... No surprise.

Then one day I am invited to a lunch meeting with DC (CEO) NM (COO) and TN (CTO) and a great big deal is made of my being awarded 1% of the company, the new company, for my dedicated service.

I later suggested that as I was actually working with the old company I should have shares in it as well. The answer was swift and caring, "You don't want that, that company is going nowhere."

Well, before long for the new company eroded to dust and was miraculously purchased by the old company. By now DC had come up with a novel idea for the old company and it quickly took center stage.

I was unsure of my share status for but a few days.

Later that week, DC explained to me that after the merger my 1% was now worth a cool $100,000. Not bad, eh? But more importantly I was able to deduce from his words that I still had 1% of the company --the combined company. Woo Hoo.

And we proceeded. DC raising money on an astronomical evaluation of the company (Ten Million Doodledangers!) and each time proudly telling me that my 1% was worth 100k.

Despite my knowing his evil ways, NM (COO) still manages to surprise me.

It seemed to me that if I had been given shares I should have seen some type of paperwork to that end. So, I approach NM and ask if he has processed the paper work on my shares.

Now, I was prepared for him to say that I did not have shares in the old company, as I had received shares in the new company and I had no details of the "merger."

I was not prepared for him to tell me that I had never been given any shares. He was there, for Christ's sake! There were witnesses! He gave them to me!

No, he swore up and down that the aforementioned lunch meeting never took place and that I had no shares. If it were possible to crawl through a phone line and throttle someone...

Well, he said he'd get back to me and, friends, it was some time later that DC gave me a call. "Buddy." he said, "Here's the deal." And he went on to describe how that the new company was two in one, and since I held 1% of half of the combined company I now held 0.5% of the combined company.

The logic is sound. But, the previous day he told me that my 1% was worth a hundred large. Now, on paper, my equity in the company was worth half of what I thought it should be.

In case anyone is wondering, this is the moment that I turned. Previous to this I would give anything to the company. After this, I wanted everything from the company. I still worked hard, but the psychological shift was there.

When something is made a major incentive to work hard, you need to be very careful when and if you take it away. There is no substitute for quality HR.

Arrgghh...

That Blank Stare of Disbelief

2009-01-08T15:24:00.000-08:00

How are you supposed to react when a short-tempered boss declares that the addition of a specific feature will make the largest corporations on the planet need to buy our services, that they will be left behind by their competition if they do not buy our services?

Well, ideally one's reaction should depend on the idea. If it is a good idea, then the reaction should be positive. If it is a bad idea, then the reaction should be negative (with allowances for diplomatic language.)

Should.

That is not how one reacts to my boss, DC. The only correct response is, "Yes." Of course the "Yes." is presented with differing levels of enthusiasm. A "No." is out of the question.

Often it is impossible to directly refute the declaration, even when your gut tells you that the statement is bunk:

"I talked to the client and they said that if we have this feature they will switch to our service."

How does one refute this without calling him a liar to his face. The fact is, I have been in touch with the client more than he has and the client thinks we are a swell bunch of guys doing cool things; but, they have no interest in ever leaving the solution their team (of approx 100,000) is using for our untested (and largely unimplemented) service. They are not even interested in a small pilot project as "...the senior management loves the current system and it would be politically unpopular to suggest a change at this time".

Again, how to react. The new feature that is going to guarantee the client's investment will delay our release by 6-8 weeks. We are still busy implementing the new features from two weeks ago....

I often forget that the intention is NOT to bring a product to market; but rather, to make a company look like it is a buy-out candidate.

This brings me back to my question. How is one to react to an obvious falsehood that will delay rollout of the product by up to two months and will create the expectation of immediate success the moment the feature is complete?

Well, as this is a con, and as I know it is a con, the only possible reaction is to support his bunk.

So moving are these occurrences that I vividly recall every one.

Of course there is another nefarious reason for the speech. If it flies with us, it will fly with the investors. You see, many of them came on board for a short cruise over a year ago and they want to go home. The plan is simple, as the investors are clamoring for a return on their investment, they need to be fed constant good information to keep their mind off of the money they have tied up in a low yield, high risk venture.

The great thing about dodges like this is that they are so much more than a bid for time. Sure enough at the next BOA meeting, the message is not just that "We have this great tie-in with this new feature and this great client." No, the patter has evolved to, "This great client has asked for this new feature and we need another 75k over then next couple of months to secure the business."

By calling him on his lie I could have moved up the launch date of the project and I could have saved the investors 75k. But I would have been interfering with the con.

If you are ever in a meeting with both DC and me you will immediately know when one of these statements is presented. Just watch my face for a blank stare of disbelief.

Aarrgghh.

The Purpose of a BOA

2009-01-05T12:40:00.001-08:00

This is key.

A Board of Advisors (BOA) is NOT for providing advice.

Our intrepid CEO, DC, managed to assemble one of the best, if not the all time best, BOAs in the history of local enterprise. We had fundraisers, CEOs, multi-millionaires. We had several members that sit on the boards of fortune 500 companies and one who previously sat on the board of a fortune 100 company. We had specialists in rolling out new products, specialists in sales and marketing, specialists in emerging technologies and they all (at least initially) drank the Cool-Aid.

Let me restate:

A Board of Advisors (BOA) is NOT for providing advice.

In the beginning, this incredible team met monthly to steer the good ship EveryCorp.com to its rightful place in the minds of all involved. The meetings were exciting, that much success and positivity in one room is a rush. I cannot tell you how much I looked forward to our BOA meetings (until my honesty made me a liability).

Every meeting ended with a clear set of instructions from the board: take these measures and we will meet again to discuss the next steps. It was a dream situation: being mentored by the best over a company that is seen by all to have huge potential.

Unfortunately, come the next meeting the measures suggested by the BOA had not been carried out.

But, "We have a new and exciting direction that we are heading in..."

DC would then regale them with his latest, greatest thoughts on how the company was going to either bring in revenues of a million a month in six months or be sold for 50 million by the end of the year.

The meeting would end with a clear set of instructions from the board: take these measures and then we will meet again to discuss the next steps.

DC treated these BOA meetings eerily like development meetings, his disrespect for the input of others was identical.

Soon the BOA was meeting every 6 weeks, then every 8 weeks, then not at all.

Can you blame them?

But, I fear you have missed the point. It is good that the meetings have trailed off; you see they only took up time. Let me restate:

A Board of Advisors (BOA) is NOT for providing advice.

The purpose of the BOA is to lend credibility to the company website. To lend credibility to other investors who are looking at us. You see, with a BOA like this how can we not succeed? How can we not be worth fifty million dollars?

Arrgghh...

The Importance of a Client Portfolio

2009-01-05T12:11:00.001-08:00

As I have stated previously, the current company morphed out of a previous boondoggle. This previous iteration actually built a list of clients that include some impressive sounding names and even some serious government agencies.

It is important to remember that as clients these are assets to be leveraged and leveraged hard. For instance, when talking to a person remotely connected to the telco sector it is important to refer to our telco clients no less than once every 4.5 minutes. Failure to do this will result in being blamed for the deal going sideways.

The system cannot be questioned. When asked what this major telco is doing with our solutions the answer is well established, "We are under NDA and cannot go into that." Can one of these companies actually provide a reference? "It is not usually their practice to do so, but we can make a call."

It is vitally important to leave the impression that the referenced company or agency is using our current, state of the art, blow your mind, yet to be developed solution. Let me state that again: it is vital to leave the impression that the referenced company is using our current, state of the art, blow your mind, yet to be developed solution. This, of course, is misleading. If these companies are still using our solutions, they are using the old technology from the old company and have no interest in ever adopting our new technology. But that is not the point.

The point is, that if an investor believes that a huge US Government agency is using our latest technology (they're not) then the investor might just come on board without doing proper due diligence.

Don't believe me?

Our CEO, DC, brought in over a million in Venture Capital before any investor asked to see the books. (that is another story.)

Of course there is no borderline fraudulent activity that cannot be escalated. If you go to our homepage (Let me remind you that I am writing this anonymously and have changed names and locations for my protection) you will see the following section:

Below are just some of our valued clients using EveryCorp today.

This is followed by a rotating list made up of mostly our previous company's clients. It is fun to note that most of these clients wouldn't have a clue who EveryCorp is, being that the previous company had a different name (and corporate registration --to my knowledge)

This also works for getting the right names on the Board of Advisors (BOA). When bringing in an ex-telco executive it is important that he believes that our associations with the big American Telecommunication firms are current and very profitable, in fact, "They are all over our new solutions, they just need us to make a couple of tweaks." Later that very same BOA member is prohibited from participating in any telco conference calls or from using his telco contacts with the referenced companies. Draw your own conclusions.

I repeat, "Arrgghh."

The Google Factor

2009-01-04T15:52:00.001-08:00

Nothing gets both the team and the investors fired up more than the thought of a major company is buying us.

Early in our story DC, our esteemed CEO, made the connection. We are developing a presentation tool that is not unlike a tool that Google has had great success with. Ergo, they are interested in buying us. Using assorted contacts, meetings with DC and senior Google staff were set up and DC blew them away. We definitely have what they are looking for and they are definitely interested in us.

9:00AM developer meeting in the office.

The whole team is assembled --as I am not an hourly employee at this point, I am welcome to sit in and contribute. DC, who called the meeting is late. Rather than waste the time, the chief Engineer, LX, takes charge. He has worked all weekend to design a solution to last week's new feature set and he is keen to get everyone's feedback. Within 45 minutes the white board has been filled with notes three times and everyone is in general agreement that the solutions are brilliant, will work and will set us apart from anyone else in the business.

DC arrives, looks at the board and proceeds to thank everyone for their great work.

He appears impressed, then states, "I had a great call with Google and here is what they want us to do..."

DC then proceeds to layout a vision that negates all of LX's (and the team's) work. This new direction will "...take care of everything that Google needs to complete their takeover of us" (implying that one has begun). The team is at once despondent over their wasted work and elated that Google is actually taking us seriously.

Jump forward six months. DC and I have arrived at a convention in New York to meet with the Google executive that DC has been negotiating with for the past six months. The plan: to hand over the signed NDA that the Google Executive has insisted we sign, then negotiate the deal. This is it.

Preparation for the meeting has been extensive; development has been put on hold for two weeks to put together the show: mockups, investor documents, I even lost 10 pounds so that I could fit into my good "power" suit. The days prior included lunch meetings to lay a framework for the deal we were willing to accept: share/cash ratios, min dollar amounts; even the acceptable duration of golden handcuffs was discussed. Everyone, and everyone's family, was on pins and needles.

We arrived for the convention, booked into our room and nervously began to discuss wardrobe. It was both crazy and fun.

We were ready at the appointed time. Dressed perfectly, notes in hands, demos working, NDA signed, not a hair out of place.

We confidently strolled to the Google booth and asked for the executive. He emerges from the office at the rear of the booth. DC reaches out his hand and nervously speaks in short sentences, "I am DC from EveryCorp. This is ME (my hand extends to be shaken). Here is the NDA you sent us. Where should we sit?

The Google exec looks both puzzled and welcoming. This is the man who has been intimately involved in the significant redesign of our company for the past six months.

"Who are you?" he asks without malice.

It dawned on me that I was not returning home a millionaire.

Ultimately we had a great meeting, he appeared aware of our existence though not familiar with our solutions. As the conference only provided limited Internet access to the floor of the show we were not able to show him any of the demos, but we shook hands as friends and he wished us good luck going forward.

On the plane home DC and I talked about how strange it was that he was uninformed about us and agreed that a person of his seniority probably relies on his notes which he obviously didn't have at the conference. That was it. He was, after all, very positive and encouraging.

In my personal debrief to myself I stressed that we had made good contact with a senior Google executive and even if he was not previously aware of us, now he is. This is not a bad thing.

9:00AM developer meeting in the office.

The whole team is assembled. DC, who called the meeting, is late. Rather than waste the time, the chief Engineer, LX, takes charge. He has worked all weekend to design a solution to last week's new feature set and he is keen to get everyone's feedback. Within 45 minutes the white board has been filled with notes three times and everyone is in general agreement that the solutions are brilliant, will work, and will set us apart from anyone else in the business.

DC arrives, looks at the board and proceeds to thank everyone for their great work.

He appears impressed then states, "ME and I had a great meeting with Google last week and here is what they want us to do..."

He then layed out the very detailed, new, direction that the company needs to take in order to fulfill the new directives from Google. He was very specific: outlining exactly the functionality that the Google exec told us they need to see before they can buy us.

Strange how he took all of that from our friendly fifteen minute meeting in New York, all I got was a business card.

Apologizing is a sign of weakness.

2009-01-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

"Stop apologizing." came the directive from NM, our COO and head of HR.

"Stop fucking up." screamed my inner voice.

Apparently apologizing when you ought to is a sign of weakness, an admission of culpability. But what if you are culpable? What if you promised a quote by Friday and it is now the following Wednesday? What if you are fifteen minutes late for a conference call after insisting that the call be moved up fifteen minutes to fit your schedule?

No. Apologizing is a sign of weakness.

I have always felt that if you fuck up you should immediately draw attention to it as an anomaly, apologize and move forward: this immediately takes away the ability of the other party to hold it against you.

No. Apologizing is a sign of weakness.

I have always thought that if you are late for a meeting and you do not apologize you send the message that this is normal behavior for you and that your time is more valuable, in general, than their time. I have always thought that by apologizing when late you state loud and clear that, at least outwardly, you believe that we are all of value and that it bothers you that others have had to wait for your presence.

No. Apologizing is a sign of weakness.

Arrgghhh.

Yes we can

2009-01-04T15:34:00.000-08:00

What do you say to a client that asks for something that is clearly outside of the vision and the skillset of the company?

Yes, absolutely. That is exactly what we do.

I am serious. No is a four letter word at EveryCorp.com.

Potential Client: Can we provide a solution that mixes your drink every time you are away from your keyboard for more than 47 seconds?

Correct answer: Yes, absolutely. That is exactly what we do.

Honesty and integrity are liabilities.

Arrgghh...

What do you do when the pigeon opens the envelope?

2009-01-02T11:54:00.001-08:00

RUN

For those who are not familiar with the pigeon drop, a tutorial is here

The Cast of Characters (so far)

2008-12-27T23:41:00.001-08:00

The importance of the team cannot be understated. Team members must fit three categories: they must be (1) unquestioning, (2) believers and (3) willing to work for shares. Oh, and good, though this is of relatively little import.

The following are simple introductions to the key players on payroll (such as it is) or on contract. We will get to know these people better through the stories that follow, but this is a good time to run down the list.

CEO
DC. The grand fromage. As the chief secret holder and grand schemer, DC stands ready, willing and able to tell any key person exactly what they want to hear at any given time: investors are told of great advances, future revenues and imminent buyouts; staff are told of impending deals and foreign investment; women in bars are told of fast cars and expensive vacations. DC's main responsibility is fundraising NOT building the company. In fact, quite the opposite: the company must be able to move sideways to suit the vision of the next investor; forward movement is only temporary until the next investor is found. DC's addictions to sex and alcohol add colour to his glorious, if worn, canvas.

COO
NM. The great poopyhead. It is NM's job to ensure that the money raised lasts as long as necessary. This means governing with an iron fist, controlling the amount of paper used in the office, refusing to pay for coffee and threatening to fire anyone who dares to ask about the payroll that is a week late. Oh, NM is also the head of HR and responsible for the morale of the staff. Lastly, NM is in charge of keeping the books ready for a potential buyer to review. As you will read in an upcoming post, his incompetence in this regard has almost sunk us once; time will tell if it will sink us in the end (My money is on this being the case --though an investor lawsuit for fraudulent practices remains likely).

CTO
TN. Too smart and good for the position. TN, having worked with both DC and NM previously knows that this is likely a con but the idea is too good to resist. TN is also CTO of a very successful software services company and only dedicates himself part time to the show. He loves the business but has a tendency to quit every time the company moves sideways.

Chief Engineer
LX. The sad thing about LX is that he appears to drink the Cool-aid. Always keen, smiling and toiling away, LX must constantly redesign the entire product to suit DC's forever changing vision of the company. This must not be easy, though as long as he thinks that the stream of investment money is unceasing he will remain happy to keep at it. Having a young child makes coming into the office at strange hours to suit DC's whims difficult, but that is one of the costs of being tied to a company that will make him a millionaire --or not. LX gets regular promotions to CTO during TN's absences.

Engineering team
The guys. Software engineers and IT types are made of different mettle than most of us; these guys seem happy to work50-60 hours a week, cancel vacations because a demo has to be prepped for an investor and come in to the office during a snowstorm that has the buses sidelined because DC wants to go over his new vision. I don't know what kind of deal NM has made with the team, I only hope that they are doing better than most --I fear they are not.

The PM.
DM. Working for the man. DM was brought in when a savvy investor suggested that a software company is screwed without project management. Project managers are responsible for charting development, making and maintaining budgets, keeping development schedules adhered to and up to date: basically managing everything that a legitimate software company would do. Prior to the change from a short con to long, DM's primary job was to stay nimble. Anytime she put together a schedule it was obsolete within days. Ditto with a project charter. Forget about budgets, the last thing this company wants is anyone to see a budget. This remarkable woman had to stay on top of and try to document and manage DC's ever changing vision. Once the play changed to actually developing a product (the long con) DM suddenly found herself working like the team: long hours, no days off.... Unfortunately for the company, DM had an actual contract with the company that detailed her working hours --neither DC nor NM are happy with this, but they will not be able to replace her with another dupe at this point.

Accounts Manager
ME. Drank the Cool-aid, then threw up, but not in time. I am a utility guy. In the beginning I sat in on most meetings and my input was valued and praised --though never acted upon. For the first two years of the company I worked essentially for shares; I was also a commissioned salesman for the legacy products that formed the basis of the previous con. Unfortunately these products were demonstrably non-profitable and my revenues fell well below DC's prediction/patter. After two years, I demanded a salary --a move that turned NM into an active adversary, keeping me from meetings and moving me to a position where I could not claim import other than sales. Later I was told that I needed to go back to full commission as I did not have enough incentive to sell given my lack of other duties. In the same meeting I was told that if I brought in a large contract (say a million dollars) I would be paid less than my usual commission as the company would "go broke paying large commissions on large contracts." basically the company is happy to pay me two hundred on a two thousand dollar deal, but If I bring in a million they will go broke keeping only $800,000.00. Argghhhhhh.

Building the Board

2008-12-27T23:29:00.000-08:00

An integral part of the facade of respectability for any company of this ilk is the Board of Advisors (BOA). A well built BOA lends instant credibility to any company. Why would anyone question the integrity of a company that has Senior ex-Vice Presidents of Major Telecoms on its BOA? With the right combination of luck and dazzle a mark will buy the whole shootin' match without opening the books because it believes in the BOA.

Mr. Keystone.
The first person on the BOA sets the tone and needs to be researched thoroughly. In our case the local Tech sector has a lobby group headed by a senior and well connected Ex-VP of a major Telecom company, a Mr. Keystone. He fit the bill perfectly. We approached him, made the pitch (not for BOA, just for advice) and he was very interested.

We got him into the office and gave him the walk through: showing him all the mock-ups of our semi-functional solution. He was terribly impressed and asked right then if he could invest. The answer was, of course, "No." It was more important to get his Rolodex than a few grand, so he was told, by NM, that we were not looking for investment at this time and (this is where I got my first hint that I was involved in a con) that were were cash flow positive. (!!!)

We had 15-ish full time staff burning at least $50,000 per month and I knew for a fact that we had not had $100,000 of revenues the past year. I knew this was a lie. I did not know how to react. Falling dumb, I kept silent and later accosted DC --only to be told that were were cashflow positive and that there were parts of the business I was not privy to. (unless he was running coke on the side, he was lying again --I soooo wanted to believe him, but I didn't)

Well, Mr Keystone could not have been more thrilled to find such a gem of a company in his own backyard. We were everything he dreamed of bringing to his friends: young, innovative, cutting edge, on the verge of breaking through to being a billion dollar enterprise --and cashflow positive at this early stage (that is unheard of).

We became Mr. Keystone's pet project and he became the first quarterback of our BOA, bringing in two key people: Mr. Robson another telecom vet and Mr. Finette an economist who specializes in fundraising for emerging tech companies. More on them later.

My Role in the Play

2008-12-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

The old company, it turns out was another short con that went nowhere but did manage to amass two or three good sounding customers. The idea was simple: buy a simple technology, sell it to a couple of fortune 500 companies at a huge loss, claim to be a successful business with fantastic clients and sell the company -- My old friend and new boss, DC, actually came close until the prospective buyer asked to look at the books.

Ultimately, DC had been slowly pissing his coin of the realm into this toilet of a software company and was increasingly anxious to morph it into another short con.

Thing was: the old company actually had clients that needed to be kept happy in order to lend credibility to the new iteration.

My role was simple: keep the existing clients happy.

This was easy at the beginning. I tend to speak with authority and people tend to believe what I tell them. Whilst this might appear a fantastic asset on a caper such as this, there is a hitch: I am a terrible liar; so, I don't. People generally believe what I say because I tell the truth (funny how that works).

Q: How does a con artist work with a dupe like me?
A: Disinformation.

DC quickly realized that all he had to do is feed me lies and I would happily pass them as fact. This made me a great asset in investor meetings. That is, it did. Once my knowledge of the company grew beyond the disinformation I had been fed I became a liability. One fateful evening, as we were sitting down to begin the show, an investor asked me a simple question about the company. I answered the question simply and honestly. It never crossed my mind that I was not supposed to tell the truth and when the same question came up mid meeting DC answered with a bold faced lie.

I was not invited to another meeting.

My role had not really changed. I was still the "Accounts Manager" (a title that makes me cringe) responsible for liaising with clients.

The Play

2008-12-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

The idea was not unlike a blonde in Vegas: simple and expensive. All DC needed to do was to put together a portfolio of sexy software patents and sell the company for fifty million without having to write a line of code.

To do this he needed a team, total secrecy and, most importantly enough money to build both the patent portfolio and the illusion of a company that would be worth fifty million.

The team was the easy part. My old friend and new boss, DC, had pulled off the same con in the same city and there were still enough people about that were unaware of the devious nature of his previous success. It was vital that these dupes were kept in the dark. I couldn't see a thing.

The seed money was another story.

DC, appeared to be under the impression that his previous con would be simple to reproduce and he was, therefore, quite happy to have his closest friends and family members invest. He was, after all, doing them a favor by bringing them in on the ground floor and there was no question of their quintupling their investment in less than a year (well, eighteen months... tops). His family, and this has become a real issue for the blighter, put in much more than they could afford to lose.

Had DC been a Mamet fan he would have known that you never risk your own hard scammed dough. He wasn't a Mamet fan and he did. Why not? It made perfect sense and was sure to give future investors great confidence. After all, that is what he was selling, wasn't it? He sunk what was left of the profits from his previous cozenage into the latest.

It was enough to convince me; he was risking his future, why shouldn't I?

Besides I was not being asked to invest a dime. All I was being asked to do is liaise with clients (easy, there weren't any) for a year or so and my one percent would be worth a cool half a million.

Why do these things start over lunch?

2008-12-24T10:24:00.000-08:00

"I expect you to make more than I do."

"I can't wait to make you a millionaire."

"This time, I want everyone I care about to make more than I do."

Statements like these go very well with East Coast Pita Pockets from the Rumpus Room's award winning kitchen. A beer helps.

DC and I had been Friends for seven years, a friendship that began with his answering my ad for a roommate.

Whilst roommates, we had bonded over women, music, alcohol and the stock market --mostly the latter. I was an amateur trader who was doing quite well in a soaring market (admittedly not a difficult feat) and DC was CEO of a software company that was showing great promise. We rarely ran out things to say to each other.

Then DC, quite suddenly, sold his company for buckets. By my calculations he walked away with a post tax sum of $4.5 million. By his calculations he was the richest man in the world with a winning strategy that could be repeated at will. His confidence was contagious.

A Disclaimer

2008-12-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

Whilst the events described in this blog are accurate, names and locations have been changed to protect myself --not to protect the guilty, they can fuck themselves.

The beginning

2008-12-23T23:29:00.000-08:00

I was not the first dupe brought into the game, but I was there from day two. Strange how you want to believe, how I wanted to believe.

I had such confidence.

For those wishing to read the posts in chronological order, simply click on the "Newer Post" link just below this line.